No Pirates Were Harmed
Little British Girl at Maritime Museum: [dressed in pirate costume, and shouting in her authentic English accent] Come on, me mateys! Let's go buy some treasure!
Somehow I don't think she quite grasped the concept of what pirates are about. This amusing tidbit prompted a drawn out conversation about a new breed of pirate: the Ethical Pirate. . . .
I: They don't steal treasure, they only buy it.
She: From local artisans at mutually negotiated fair trade rates, of course.
I: From a zero carbon emissions treasure producer?
She: And certified not to have used any child labour in the production of the treasure.
I: Perhaps instead of threatening to make people walk the plank, they sort of politely ask sailors if they have any cumbersome secondhand booty they'd like to donate.
She: And make sure not to focus their piracy too heavily on any one race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation.
I: An equal opportunity pirate.
She: An equal opportunity ethical pirate.
Not long after that, we ran into the little girl's family again, this time standing under the wooden figurehead hanging from the ceiling of the museum. Her little brother was intently gazing up at the figurehead, which is carved and painted to look like a pirate in a navy blue coat and white hat.
Little British Boy: Look, mum, it's a DEAD MAN.
Boy's Mother: No dear, it's not a dead man.
Little British Boy: Yes, it is. It's a DEAD MAN.
Boy's Mother: No dear, I really don't think it's a dead man. It's a wooden carving.
Little British Boy: Yes, it . . . it is! [starts to cry a little] A dead man!
Boy's Mother: [looking around and making a face to signify this is about to be the most bizarre tantrum topic her child has ever embarked upon] Um . . . well, how about this. Perhaps the man . . . the man who was the model for the carving . . . I imagine it was carved a long time ago, and I'm sure that man is probably now . . . dead. Is that okay?
Little British Boy: [sniffs a little] Um . . . okay.
Boy's Mother: Alright, then. [takes him by the hand and begins walking]
Pirate Girl: [under her breath] . . . or maybe they put the dead man inside the carving. That would be exciting.
Somehow I don't think she quite grasped the concept of what pirates are about. This amusing tidbit prompted a drawn out conversation about a new breed of pirate: the Ethical Pirate. . . .
I: They don't steal treasure, they only buy it.
She: From local artisans at mutually negotiated fair trade rates, of course.
I: From a zero carbon emissions treasure producer?
She: And certified not to have used any child labour in the production of the treasure.
I: Perhaps instead of threatening to make people walk the plank, they sort of politely ask sailors if they have any cumbersome secondhand booty they'd like to donate.
She: And make sure not to focus their piracy too heavily on any one race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation.
I: An equal opportunity pirate.
She: An equal opportunity ethical pirate.
Not long after that, we ran into the little girl's family again, this time standing under the wooden figurehead hanging from the ceiling of the museum. Her little brother was intently gazing up at the figurehead, which is carved and painted to look like a pirate in a navy blue coat and white hat.
Little British Boy: Look, mum, it's a DEAD MAN.
Boy's Mother: No dear, it's not a dead man.
Little British Boy: Yes, it is. It's a DEAD MAN.
Boy's Mother: No dear, I really don't think it's a dead man. It's a wooden carving.
Little British Boy: Yes, it . . . it is! [starts to cry a little] A dead man!
Boy's Mother: [looking around and making a face to signify this is about to be the most bizarre tantrum topic her child has ever embarked upon] Um . . . well, how about this. Perhaps the man . . . the man who was the model for the carving . . . I imagine it was carved a long time ago, and I'm sure that man is probably now . . . dead. Is that okay?
Little British Boy: [sniffs a little] Um . . . okay.
Boy's Mother: Alright, then. [takes him by the hand and begins walking]
Pirate Girl: [under her breath] . . . or maybe they put the dead man inside the carving. That would be exciting.