Initiated
There are several rites of passage for anyone relatively new to Canada: your first Canadian bank account, your social insurance number, Canadian income taxes, ICBC, Tim Horton's, listening to the CBC — you get the idea.
But today, after having battled nearly three days of one of the worst flu bugs I've ever had, I surpassed another one: Buckley's Original Mixture.
For those South of the border who've probably never heard of it, Buckley's is a cough syrup which prides itself on tasting awful. Don't believe me? Their ad slogan is "Buckley's: It tastes awful. And it works."
They even have a contest running right now for the worst cough-syrup-face in Canada.
Like many popular cough syrup brands, Buckley's has several different formulas, including a cough suppressant, a cold formula, and a nighttime version. But, staying true to my word to avoid any future pseudoephedrine-generated panic attacks, I settled with the more natural of the lot of them, the holy grail of all things Buckley's — Buckley's Original Mixture.
I reviewed the ingredients one final time to confirm there wasn't anything in there which would make me go too wonky.
Medicinal Ingredients: potassium bicarbonate, ammonium carbonate, menthol, and camphor.
Other Ingredients: Canada balsam, carrageenan, glycerin, pine needle oil, sodium butylparaben, sodium cyclamate, sodium propylparaben, tincture of capsicum, and water.
Sounded natural enough. So I took a bottle home and tried it.
And what do you get when you mix up fire extinguisher powder, ammonium smelling salts, a combination of some other stuff which more or less make for an analgesic rub, some turpentine, some seaweed residue, a few pine needles for good measure, an artificial sweetener and a few hot chili peppers?
Ladies and gentlemen, what you get is one of the slimiest, sweetest and yet still saltiest, mintiest, and altogether foulest things you'll ever pour down your screaming gullet.
Worse than brussels sprouts or lima beans over ice cream.
Worse even than cod liver oil toothpaste.
And, believe it or not, even worse than Singha beer (but only barely).
If I had to place bets on what the semi-coagulated semen of a chronic syphilitic three-pack-a-day-menthol-cigarette-smoker might taste like, my money's on this stuff, folks. Holy Joe, it's nasty. Blargh. (My eyes are watering even reliving the experience through describing it.)
But, at the same time, miraculously, before you've even got all of it choked down (nor may you ever get a whole dose choked down before you spit the remaining droplets out in gasping desperation), it occurs to you that you've suddenly been pummelled in the head by a big heavy brick of Where-Did-My-Cold-Go? It's inconceivable. It's amazing. It works.
Will I take a second dose when the congestion comes back? I don't know. I wish I could tell you, but I just can't say. Not now. Maybe after I talk to a therapist. But I can't say this stuff doesn't do its job. Wow.
But today, after having battled nearly three days of one of the worst flu bugs I've ever had, I surpassed another one: Buckley's Original Mixture.
For those South of the border who've probably never heard of it, Buckley's is a cough syrup which prides itself on tasting awful. Don't believe me? Their ad slogan is "Buckley's: It tastes awful. And it works."
They even have a contest running right now for the worst cough-syrup-face in Canada.
Like many popular cough syrup brands, Buckley's has several different formulas, including a cough suppressant, a cold formula, and a nighttime version. But, staying true to my word to avoid any future pseudoephedrine-generated panic attacks, I settled with the more natural of the lot of them, the holy grail of all things Buckley's — Buckley's Original Mixture.
I reviewed the ingredients one final time to confirm there wasn't anything in there which would make me go too wonky.
Medicinal Ingredients: potassium bicarbonate, ammonium carbonate, menthol, and camphor.
Other Ingredients: Canada balsam, carrageenan, glycerin, pine needle oil, sodium butylparaben, sodium cyclamate, sodium propylparaben, tincture of capsicum, and water.
Sounded natural enough. So I took a bottle home and tried it.
And what do you get when you mix up fire extinguisher powder, ammonium smelling salts, a combination of some other stuff which more or less make for an analgesic rub, some turpentine, some seaweed residue, a few pine needles for good measure, an artificial sweetener and a few hot chili peppers?
Ladies and gentlemen, what you get is one of the slimiest, sweetest and yet still saltiest, mintiest, and altogether foulest things you'll ever pour down your screaming gullet.
Worse than brussels sprouts or lima beans over ice cream.
Worse even than cod liver oil toothpaste.
And, believe it or not, even worse than Singha beer (but only barely).
If I had to place bets on what the semi-coagulated semen of a chronic syphilitic three-pack-a-day-menthol-cigarette-smoker might taste like, my money's on this stuff, folks. Holy Joe, it's nasty. Blargh. (My eyes are watering even reliving the experience through describing it.)
But, at the same time, miraculously, before you've even got all of it choked down (nor may you ever get a whole dose choked down before you spit the remaining droplets out in gasping desperation), it occurs to you that you've suddenly been pummelled in the head by a big heavy brick of Where-Did-My-Cold-Go? It's inconceivable. It's amazing. It works.
Will I take a second dose when the congestion comes back? I don't know. I wish I could tell you, but I just can't say. Not now. Maybe after I talk to a therapist. But I can't say this stuff doesn't do its job. Wow.